Too late - we've booked Jimmy Carr

For an ad we haven't written yet. Faxed Hannah tonight. Done deal. Sorry. All over bar the paperwork. And he's now going to be contributing to the blog as Funniest Fucker We've Heard in Years.

We feel it's best to start the week with a bit of a laugh. God knows you're going to need it after WIPs this morning. And by lunchtime seratonin levels will be well in deficit. So we will try to make Monday mornings a little more amusing. Or not. Depends on whether you have a sense of humour.


Without any permissions whatsoever we reproduce here an excerpt from a recent interview betweem Jimmy Carr and, doesn't matter really. So we've imagined he's talking to Someone like Susan Woods on TVNZ. One of those sorts. If you prefer you can imagine Judy Bailey doing this interview. Or Mark Sainsbury. Whatever floats your boast. Anyway, Susan's imaginary interview with Jimmy Carr. Out of the ad break:

Susan: My special guest tonight, all the way from London, Jimmy Carr. Great to have you here.

Jimmy: Great to be here.

Susan:  Can I ask you first of all, what  do you think about fame?

Jimmy:  Well I'm glad you've asked me that. A lot of people get their first little taste of fame and they let it go to their heads. They end up in the Priory Clinic talking about themselves in the third person. Let me assure you Jimmy Carr's not going to let that happen.

Susan:   So...who would you most like to sleep with. Anyone, living or dead.

Jimmy:.    Anyone living.

Susan is visibly wetting herself. Possibly with fear though. Carr turns to the camera and says:

Jimmy: This could take a while.

Susan:    What is your greatest regret.

Jimmy:   Well, they say you should remember the things you have done, not the things you haven't done, but   anyway my greatest regret is something I didn't do. A girl called Barbara.

Jimmy:   Excuse me, do I look like a wifebeater now because she's crying?

Susan remains in a paroxism of laughter. And tears.

Jimmy:   I think I might be giving her an orgasm. Not sure. I've never seen it before. Got no frame of reference.

Susan: Don't worry, you're not.

Jimmy:  It would appear Susan, I've got the skills to pay the bills.

They go hastily into an ad break. When Susan returns she's taken some tranks and make-up have brought out the Visine. She's composed-ish.

Susan:   Which words or phrases do you most overuse.

Jimmy:   Hello I'm Jimmy Carr.  All I'm saying is....  When you think about it... Can I park here?

Is it in yet?

Susan dissolves into tears of giggles again and consults the questions a researcher prepared from a 1989 copy of a New Idea interview with Paula Abdul.



Susan:   Where do you get your ideas from?

Jimmy:   The cerebellum usually or it could be the frontal cortex. I'm not sure.

Susan:   How do you relax?

Jimmy:   I put Smarties tubes on cats legs and make them walk like a robot.  If I'm really tense I make them go down the stairs. They get a bit confused.

Susan:    Yeah...

Jimmy:   A cat looking confused is brilliant.

Susan:    Okay..

Jimmy:   Little face....

Susan:    What makes you angry?

Jimmy:   When I can't get the lid off the Valium.

Susan:   Which historical figure do you most admire?

Jimmy:  Joan of Arc. Lovely tits.

Susan:   What's the one thing you'd like to do before you die?

Jimmy:  Kylie.

Material copyright Jimmy Carr 2001-200now sometime. We can't put a little copyright thingie on this today for some reason. Bugger it.

www.jimmycarr.com

Peter Cook (deceased)
Chairperson
nzcreative circle comedy division